I avoid interacting with males for a variety of reasons. I live with the one, and that is more than enough male interaction for me. The harassment and assault that I have dealt with have been committed by males well known to me, some of them I knew for years. So males have shown me that even the decent ones, the nice ones, the old ones, the kind ones, all of those innocuous seeming males will become gropey opportunists when and if they think that they can get away with it. Males give a splendid appearance of humanity, but appearance is ALL it is.
And that is why I treat all of them as potential predators. Males have shown me who they are. And after years of believing NOTALLMENZ or maybe I just encountered an unusual amount of gropey assholes or maybe it was something that I was doing, I finally just fucking believe them. I wish that I had paid attention to them sooner.
So what do you do when he is YOUR personal sexist, misogynist asshole? How do you disentangle yourself from him? Can it even be done?
My father raised me mostly alone, my mother died when I was young. My brother is a little older, and also a complete dumbass waste of space. My father encouraged him to join the military because he felt that my brother was just too fucking ignorant to do anything else. According to my dad, the military is the dumping ground for idiot males that are unable to think for themselves, take care of themselves, or develop any useful skills.
I was smarter than my brother. Facts be misandry! My dad offered to pay for my college and part of his encouragement for me to go was by reminding me that not everyone was blessed with intelligence (he thought my brother was proof of that, lol) and that I shouldn’t waste it. He taught me that males are liars and that I should never, ever depend on one. And that if I decided that I wanted kids, that to not depend on a male for that, ESPECIALLY not for that, because males will just decide that they don’t want the responsibility and walk away.
My dad raised me as he saw me. He saw me as a human, a person, an individual with wants and unique needs. I never felt less than. He always told me that I could do anything that I wanted, that independence and self sufficiency is the most important thing ever, and that I was more than capable.
So I am going to be 40 something this weekend. My dad is in his mid 80s. I haven’t spoken to him since last year, I think it was around this time.
I just can’t. Because he has become a horrible sexist asshat.
And it is kind of killing me.
There were actually 2 incidents that were decades apart. The first happened when I was in my 20s. I moved out at 16, my brother soon after, and I was visiting my father for a holiday as I was living in another state. I was maybe 22, or so.
The mother of 1 of my friends in my dad’s town was having a hard time, having had breast cancer (that she did recover from) and recently being divorced. My dad was looking for someone to clean his house, and this woman cleaned houses, so my dad hired her.*
She was cleaning his house on my visit. While we were having a cup of coffee, she mentioned that my dad offered to take her to Vegas. That didn’t surprise me, I mean, my dad was a whore.** He had a lot of relationships with a lot of women and everyone seemed happy and it was not my business.
So she asked him if she would have her own room. He told her no, that she would be staying with him. She asked him directly if he expected her to have sex with him, and he hemmed and hawwed about males having “needs”.
So she turned him down. A male could have given her a trip to vegas as a gift, and he would have had the privilege of her excellent company. She was dirt fucking poor. And THIS was the offer that my dad made to her.
You know what? I don’t even have to go into the 2nd incident. This one is enough.
I knew she was telling me the truth. I knew it immediately. THIS is what my dad thinks of women. Everything that he ever said to me about being just as good, just as capable, was erased in that moment. Because I knew that if he saw ONE of us for sale as a commodity, that he saw ALL of us for sale as a fucking commodity. I couldn’t phrase it that way at the time, but I understood that he treated her as a potential prostitute just because she is female. And I understood that treatment, having received a lot of it, as lots of women can attest.
That is a special kind of asshole move. What kind of male says to himself “HEY! I GOTS ME A BONER, AND HERE IS A FINANCIALLY POOR FEMALE RIGHT HERE! I WILL OFFER HER A TRIP THAT SHE COULD NEVER AFFORD IF SHE WILL LET ME FUCK HER. I BE A KIND AND GENEROUS MAN FOR GIVING HER A *CHOICE*, YES I AM!”
What kind of asshole does that? In retrospect, if I had possessed the critical analysis that I do now, maybe I would have hurt his entitled ass. My naivete saved him some healing.
The worst part of this was when I asked him about it. I asked him if he did this, and he defiantly said “yes. I did.”. We were standing in his kitchen, which was so fucking clean, it was almost sterile, I was wearing a pair of his jeans. I was just kind of stunned, and we just stared at each other in silence, for a long minute. And I thought “I am wearing this man’s jeans. How is it that I am actually wearing his clothes? And he doesn’t understand?”
But see, I know now what I didn’t know then, and that is that he absolutely understood. He just. Didn’t. CARE.
He didn’t care what his actions said to his daughter about herself, her body, her worth or her place in the world. And he didn’t care for the same reason that dudes never care, and that reason is BONER.
I don’t know what he saw on my face, but after we stared at each other for a bit, he smiled and attempted to laugh a little. He was talking, I have no idea what he was saying, I still don’t. Forcing a little laugh and chatting at me. He was still doing that when I walked out of the room.
We never spoke about it, I never mentioned it again.
If you have read this far, thank you. And if you have advice, what do I do?
I don’t have voicemail on my phone and he never learned to text. He has developed a Christian stance on abortion in the past decade, or so, which amounts to “abortion is not my business and it should be legal, but THEM SLUTTY SLUTS BE BABY MURDERS, THO”. I mean, he compares abortion to the holocaust.
Yep. He is THAT guy.
And he can have his opinion, but I have asked him repeatedly to not mention it to me. He refuses to honor that. He works it into every. Single. Conversation.
Me: Hey, dad, how is your weather.
Dad: it is hot. You know where else it’s hot? In HELL, WHERE THE WOMEN THAT MURDER THEIR BABIES GO.
Me: Bacon is delicious.
Dad: Sadly, my high cholesterol prevents me from having delicious bacon. Know what else is sad? MILLIONS OF BABIES MURDERED BY THEIR SLUTTY MOTHERS.
You get what I mean.
He sends me and my husband each a card on our birthdays and each of us 1 for Christmas. I think the last conversation I had with him was right after my birthday last year. My husband got his card late last year, and he called my dad to thank him. And he called my dad to thank him for the Christmas cards.
So my dad calls me a few times a week and I never answer. I just can’t. If I want to talk to a sexist, a misogynist, a male that sees me as an incubator, or a set of fuckholes, or a non human, I will go outside and talk to the first male I see.
I will wait on a female cashier even if a male cashier is available. I am as separatist as I can be. I don’t want to interact with males and I absolutely do not unless I have no other option.
And I don’t feel guilty about ignoring males. I mostly find it funny because they get so butthurt when they are disregarded.
But I feel guilty about ignoring my dad.
Part of me feels like he is an old man and I should just accept that he is going to harp on and on and on about abortion, that maybe he forgets that I told him to shut up about it.
But another part thinks FUCK THAT. He can respect my simple wish and if he can’t, then he can fuck off.
ALL parts of me feel guilt and obligation. His card to me came in the mail today, and inside, written in his old man scribble was JAYNE, PLEASE CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THIS.
I don’t want to. Why do I feel like I have to? Why do I feel like a horrible daughter? But he is just totally fine and ok with how he chooses to be a dad?
I feel like he is my personal sexist. My personal misogynist. My personal entitled male fuckstick that I can’t escape. If a male treats me in a way that I don’t like, then I dump them like the garbage they are. So why can’t I dump him?
Do you have this male? That you are so entangled with? And you can’t let them go?
*I now have ALL kinds of feelings about dudes hiring women to do their shit work at shit pay. Not so at 22, I am ashamed to say.
*Most males are whores, I have noticed. It’s another male reversal. Even women that males deem to be (their definition of) promiscuous are not “whores”. But males definitely are. I mean, they rape corpses, babies, senior citizens, each other, and GLORY HOLES. Total fucking whores.