Why I dislike XY of any age.

My mother got pregnant with me, her 4th child, in her early 40s. My mother was pregnant with my oldest sister when she married my father and got pregnant with my other sister relatively quickly. Those 2 girls got into high school, so she decided to try for her 2 wanted boys at that time.

She had my brother, 3 years later, she had me.

I have spoken at length about how she informed me often that she was cheated out of a son when she had me.


My brother was the golden child, the much wanted and anticipated son, the boy that my mother worked for, prayed for, deserved. He could absolutely do no wrong in her eyes. He was her little precious prince.

This dick worship created a lot of quiet chaos that spurred this fucking weird ass dynamic wherein she kind of openly hated me for being female, forcing my father to pick up the slack, paying me extra attention and trying to love me even more. He really did try to even out the balance for me.

Maybe he didn’t really want to do all that. Maybe he resented me.

But if he did, he never showed it.

I have a lot of early memories of my brother. My mother bathed us together, for a while, I have no memories of that particular thing. But I have seen the pictures that she took.

One of the first incidents that I can remember clearly occurred when I was around 6 or 7. My brother, who was around 9 or 10, at the time, had asked me to come into his room to play with him. He closed his bedroom door and sat down on the floor, at the foot of his bed.

It seems like he had little toys, like little army men, or something like that, on the floor, and he fiddled with them while I stood in front of him.

I am unable to remember what he said exactly, but he was trying to get me to take my clothes off.

I was refusing. And it is my first memory of feeling that fucking fear that is unknowable to a little girl, she has no words for it.

How can she describe something with words that she doesn’t have?

She feels the fear, but she can’t name it. He is telling her that it’s normal, that he is her brother, he would never hurt her, he just wants to look. And then he says that he will take his clothes off, too.

So, you know, it will be fair.

Doesn’t she want to look at him?

These are the things that he says.

When she says no, he becomes aggressive. When he stands up and tries to remove her clothes, he is grabbing at her, and that is when she begins to protest loudly enough that mom hears and comes in to see what is going on.

My mother put me into my room for a bit. A little later, she comes and gets me from my room, my brother from his room, and she sits us down at the breakfast bar, right next to each other. Standing on the other side of the bar, she gives her little Christian Mommy speach, about how she understands that both of us are curious about each other’s body, but that it’s horribly sinful and displeasing to her GAWD that the 2 of us try to look at each other, that she expects better of us.

She adds that she will punish both of us if she catches us in this mutual, totally equal activity again.

My brother was a predator to me almost from the moment of my birth.

His predatory behavior continued up until I was able to move out of my father’s house at 17.

So please, don’t fucking tell me that little boys are precious little blank tablets capable of being socialized into something resembling human.

Read the news. Google will tell you about all the little boys and exactly what they are capable of enacting against little girls.

When I was a little girl, little boys harassed and bullied me.

When I was a teenage girl, teen boys sexual harassed and bullied me.

At every stage of my fucking life, the same aged boys were nasty, right along with the grown males that begin harassing girls as soon as they see the first sign of puberty.

None were quite as disgusting as the one that lived in my own house, right next to my own bedroom.

My own house was not safe.

So no. I don’t like males of any fucking age. And that is my fucking right.

My experience is not unique, and it is not uncommon. In fact, we all know that it is so common as to be unremarkable and that many, many women who grew up with male siblings had a very similar experience.

And we are all supposed to forgive and forget and continue to think that “it’s just a few males” and “not all males”.



7 thoughts on “Why I dislike XY of any age.

  1. I am sorry to say that I believe this is quite common. I personally had three friends who were viciously raped and beaten throughout their childhoods by older male siblings. I mean vicious. My best friend in grade school, then highschool, repeatedly at knife point by her brother. Their bedrooms were on the second floor and she would always try to tiptoe past his door to get to her room. Finally, she had an aneurisym at 18, needed brain surgery and lost her sense of smell and short term memory from the surgery. She couldn’t leave home after that and remained a hostage. I later learned that she became pregnant and was taken out of state to deliver and the baby which was put up for adoption. The parents never protected her. She died recently, and I learned all of this afterwards. She was always afraid to go home when we hung out together but never would say why. I knew something wasn’t right in her home. Shame and secrecy surrounds this entire topic and girls are left at the mercy of their brothers. I am glad I had no brothers.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hadn’t heard that about Antarctica, but why am I not surprised?
    I don’t remember having the key, but I could lock and unlock it from the inside, so I definitely wasn’t locked in my room. It’s the most tangible thing I have that I didn’t somehow imagine that whole thing (I’ve been taught, as are most women and girls, to doubt ourselves about almost everything) and that I did tell my parents and that they took me seriously. Not that it kept me from being the one removed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is sooo horrible Jayne! 😥
    I just have no words…. You are the only child who recollects that your mother was keeping a clean house etc, and you are the one she picked to hate………… AND later blame for the horrific deeds of her son, though you were obviously the one who was attacked and cried out for help 😥 I don’t know where common sense flew to…
    Pampered sons, especially those doted on because they are the only male child, turn up into the most useless beings as adults. This pattern is consistent – atleast in every single case I’ve seen.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I was in preschool (so, 3 or 4 years old) when we had a boy assaulting the girls and showing off his eggplant emoji.

    Blank slate my arse. Males are born awful, not made.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your story is a common one.
      I was 11 or 12, sitting in the school cafeteria at one of the tables, they were picnic style, very long, with the backless benches attached to the table, you had to swing your legs over the bench to sit.
      2 boys were sitting across from me. One of them looked underneath the table to see that my legs where not completely together, he began to elbow his boyfriend and point under the table, saying “look, she is ready for you” and then they howled with laughter at their dumbass joke.
      I had no idea what they were talking about. I was wearing pants and sitting comfortably, bothering no one.
      This was the early 80s, no internet porn widely available.
      Males have always been like this, they innately know that their dick is a weapon, and they choose to threaten us with it from the time they learn to fucking talk.
      Men are broken.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. This could have been my story. My older brother by about five years called me into his bedroom and said he wanted to have sex with me. (I was 12, he was around 16.) He said not to worry bc he had Saran Wrap so I wouldn’t get pregnant. Then he demonstrated by taking his erect dick out. Even then I could tell that he was so proud of it.
    I really didn’t know what he was asking me to do, although I should’ve, since he’d been sexually abusing me since I was four, and probably younger. I just didn’t understand the penetration part of the abuse, but I guess he figured it was time to learn!!
    I remember being horrified and backing up toward the door, but then my memory goes blank, so I don’t know if he actually raped me or not. I must have told my parents, because my bedroom door soon had a lock that could only be opened with a key.
    The next school year one of us was sent to a military boarding school. Guess who. He couldn’t go because he might get on drugs (did anyway). So I was the one punished by getting me away from him, instead of the other way around. So I totally agree with you about brothers and their abusive acts toward any girl, sister or not, in their proximity, and how it’s both normalized and blamed on the girl.
    Thanks for your posts, Jayne. I look forward to them and really admire you!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
      I am glad that you are here.
      I hope that your keyed lock on your room was controlled by you.
      I read recently about Antarctica, about how the women who go to work there are constantly and consistently harassed and assaulted by males, and the article’s conclusion was that women should not be permitted to work at Antarctica.
      The problem is MALE, yet we are the ones controlled and removed.
      Why aren’t the males removed? It’s always us that has to be removed.
      I relate to your story and I am sorry that this is life for so many girls.

      Liked by 1 person

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